How I lost myself by not being my who I am.

I’ve loaded this blog, my blog, with a bunch of posts but none ever closer to giving you an idea of who I am; what my likes are, what hobbies do i have, and what pisses me off the most. 

I think therein lies the irony. For years and years of my life, i have felt stuck. Lost and trapped in a forest of my own doubt. While this can be attributed to a normal (but unhealthy) Asian upbringing or a limited phase of self-discovery expected of us in our youths, I wonder if it lies in the fact that I have not been honest. Honest with myself. I’m not talking about lying, I’ve always been sincere and authentic. Some people may be fine with not being honest with themselves. For me, being a false persona would go against the virtue of my name; Afiq.

Your Name is Your Virtue

Afiq [a-fyq] noun
Definition: Honest

Maybe I’m stuck because I’ve not learnt to be truly honest. Looking up the definition of honest left me more confused than before. 

honest [on-ist] adjective

  1. honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair:an honest person.
  2. showing uprightness and fairness:honest dealings.
  3. gained or obtained fairly:honest wealth.
  4. sincere; frank:an honest face.
  5. genuine or unadulterated:honest commodities.
  6. respectable; having a good reputation:an honest name.

So when I responded to my name being called, what did I hear? What was I responding to? Was I responding to “upright and fair” or “genuine”? 
Don’t know, therefore …I know. This is quite an unorthodox approach to trying to remove me from this sense of “stuck”. Trying to understand myself via my name. Granted, this wouldn’t work if your name meant ‘hero’ or ‘God’s angel’. To be very honest, my name is very common and I doubt that the other 450K (don’t quote me on this) people with my name share the same issue. 

In my attempt at understanding myself, I’m taking a historical approach to comprehension; definition. 

To be very honest, I’ve found myself stuck. Purely because I haven’t been living up the virtue of my name. I haven’t been honest with myself. That’s something I have realised. 

How do you define yourself? What’s that process? Who are you?

Category: Me
Posts created 10

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