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A journey only towards myself.

Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home. 

Matsuo Basho

In my previous post, I spoke about how I’ve learned that I had to be true to who I was. I thought it was important to dwell on that journey.

Everyone agrees that life is a journey.  I for one, have spent many years trying to understand my journey.  I tried figuring out the destination and setting up pit stops. Just as I neared a pit stop, the ‘destination’ changes. Whether through circumstance or choice, that end goal has been, for me, a dynamic plot. As I reflected on my journey thus far, it prompted me to look within; if life is a journey, what does it say about the one on the journey?

Journey to where?

If life is a journey, what does it say about the one on the journey; the traveller, the wayfarer, a pilgrim or a tourist? Could you be a tourist in your own life? 

via GIPHY

A learning journey

Every curriculum is explicitly developed to achieve a specific outcome. If we view life’s learning journey as a curated curriculum, then, what is the specific outcome that we were supposed to achieve? Everyone’s curriculum is so unique; twins don’t exhibit specific identical traits. Every occurrence in our lives happens for a reason, a specific lesson. I personally believe that until we learn that specific lesson, we continue to make the same mistakes. Sort of like failing a class. Until we graduate from that class, we will continue to repeat the module. For me, there was module I continue to fail, that was “purpose”. Ironically, purpose is a topic I’ve been fixated on since I was 12. 

Failing curriculum: Purpose

Chasing after destinations and paths, I’ve been that person. I’m the person wandering through my own life, a traveller.  I’m lost. It is only in the past few months that I’ve realised that I’ve been chasing ‘rivers and lakes’ because I wasn’t honest about who I was. Had I been honest about who I was, I wouldn’t be chasing after,  I would be driven towards X.

Ive always been attracted to fashion. I can’t for certain explain that fascination, but it has been my fascination since I was as young as 8. Growing up in a traditional malay family, as a son, fashion was never supposed to be something I can explore. Very much traumatised by specific incidents, I stayed away from it. Fashion was a pretty thing I could admire but never touch. 

 Honesty as my resurrection

Now, more than ever, I am driven and proud to say that I am going to pursue this pretty thing, that once was just a space of admiration. I am going to explore, grab, indulge and grow from it, 

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How I lost myself by not being my who I am.

I’ve loaded this blog, my blog, with a bunch of posts but none ever closer to giving you an idea of who I am; what my likes are, what hobbies do i have, and what pisses me off the most. 

I think therein lies the irony. For years and years of my life, i have felt stuck. Lost and trapped in a forest of my own doubt. While this can be attributed to a normal (but unhealthy) Asian upbringing or a limited phase of self-discovery expected of us in our youths, I wonder if it lies in the fact that I have not been honest. Honest with myself. I’m not talking about lying, I’ve always been sincere and authentic. Some people may be fine with not being honest with themselves. For me, being a false persona would go against the virtue of my name; Afiq.

Your Name is Your Virtue

Afiq [a-fyq] noun
Definition: Honest

Maybe I’m stuck because I’ve not learnt to be truly honest. Looking up the definition of honest left me more confused than before. 

honest [on-ist] adjective

  1. honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair:an honest person.
  2. showing uprightness and fairness:honest dealings.
  3. gained or obtained fairly:honest wealth.
  4. sincere; frank:an honest face.
  5. genuine or unadulterated:honest commodities.
  6. respectable; having a good reputation:an honest name.

So when I responded to my name being called, what did I hear? What was I responding to? Was I responding to “upright and fair” or “genuine”? 
Don’t know, therefore …I know. This is quite an unorthodox approach to trying to remove me from this sense of “stuck”. Trying to understand myself via my name. Granted, this wouldn’t work if your name meant ‘hero’ or ‘God’s angel’. To be very honest, my name is very common and I doubt that the other 450K (don’t quote me on this) people with my name share the same issue. 


In my attempt at understanding myself, I’m taking a historical approach to comprehension; definition. 

To be very honest, I’ve found myself stuck. Purely because I haven’t been living up the virtue of my name. I haven’t been honest with myself. That’s something I have realised. 

How do you define yourself? What’s that process? Who are you?